The Problem with Red Flags is that I'm Attracted to Them

I've been trying to figure out what I wanted my next blog post to be about. It took a while for a thought to pop in my head that inspired me enough to write this post. I won't lie, I've still been battling different thoughts and emotions a little bit here and there. Let's call it residual feelings. In some of the thoughts I've had, I've also been working on digging deeper into the meanings behind the thoughts. Then that led to some more analyzation of what happened and where there might have been issues that were overlooked. It finally occurred to me that there were, in fact, red flags in my last relationship that I never picked up on. I swore up and down for months that there was nothing I could point to - no red flags - that would help explain why it didn't work. But I was wrong, I just didn't know what I should have been paying attention to. So, let's talk about it.

This year has left me heartbroken. I truly didn't think I'd be here. I had a great relationship with an amazing guy who showed up for me, tried new things for me, stepped out of his comfort zone for me. He taught me new things, too and helped me learn how to take care of myself better. I wanted to and did do so much for him to show the love I felt for him. We got along so well, we enjoyed each other's families, and we built something that I thought would last. We talked about the future, about places we would go together, planned on eventually getting married. Everything was perfect. I allowed myself to let go and trust that this really was different and if you know anything about me and my past, you know how hard that is for me to truly do. I want love so bad, but I'm always so scared that I'll get hurt, that he won't be faithful, that I'll love him more than he'll love me. This was different from the very beginning and I knew it. And now I realize that was the problem. 

How can that be the problem? I'm glad you asked. One of the things I've learned is that when you have intense feelings right off the bat and dive right into a relationship quickly, that's usually a red flag. There's no way I would have ever thought that as it was happening. How could I? Things felt so great and truly did feel different. This guy was texting me every day, making plans to see me as much as he could, saying such sweet things to me and about me, whisked me off on a wonderful weekend beach getaway for my birthday (only a month and a half after I met him). What's not to fall in love with?

What I didn't know at the time is that I had fallen victim to something called love-bombing. Before I even get into what that means, let me clarify that I truly believe he didn't realize that he was doing this, either. I believe that his avoidant attachment style ultimately caused this behavior since avoidants do actually want love and connection at their core. It's easy to feel and desire that in the beginning, but then they freak out when things get serious and that's when they shut down, back away, and usually run. Then there's also a possibility that I was actually a rebound relationship off of his short-term rebound after his divorce. If that is the case, he might have been trying to pick up where he left off in his last relationship with me, as is a common habit when rebounding. That would mean if they were a few months along and started to have feelings for each other when it fell apart, he tried to start right at that spot with me versus completely starting over from the beginning again. So, going off that assumption, I would expect that he'll be living with his new rebound within a few months and traveling to Bora Bora soon (I kid and I also have no idea what's going on in his life anymore, don't worry). 

Anyway, back to love-bombing. What this basically means is that there is an excessive amount of adoration, attention, and communication along with quick, intense feelings and things progressing at a fast pace. Looking back at it now, this is everything that was happening and I ate that shit up. Being an anxiously attached person and having never really felt good enough, getting all kinds of attention and being told amazingly sweet things and having it consistently validated in person made my heart soar. It was finally happening! I had found someone who had so many good qualities, someone who was attractive, and someone who felt all these wonderful things about me, too! Wow! If I could go back in time and slap myself in the face, I would. Ok, maybe not because I wouldn't have learned all this stuff about myself, but you get the point. 

This all was a problem. Let me take you through the timeline. We started talking on a dating app and met in person a week and a half later. I left that night *knowing* he was it. Red flag. We both weaseled our way out of work early a few days later so we could hang out again because we already missed each other. Red flag. We became official two weeks after we met in person. BIG red flag. He decided to take me on a long weekend beach getaway for my 30th birthday, and while that was sweet, it was only six weeks after we met. Red flag. While we were away, he told me he was in love with me and I told him I felt the same way. The biggest red flag! None of that should have ever happened that quickly and had I worked on my own personal development sooner, maybe I could have recognized that. At the time, it all felt so incredible and it was something I had wanted so badly for so long. I was addicted to everything I was feeling and I was shocked and amazed that something like that was finally working out for me. I would have never thought that any of what was happening was bad. I just thought that we clicked so well and it was one of those "when you know, you know" situations. Turns out I was wrong. 

Here's the issue. We never had any kind of time to truly get to know each other on a deep, emotional level. To be honest, looking backwards, I don't think I ever really knew him on any real emotional level at any point in our relationship because he doesn't deal with or process most of his emotions. To reiterate, this isn't consciously his fault, but a product of his childhood and life experiences. But had I known what to look for or what questions to ask or what answers to listen for, maybe the quick turnaround time of strangers to lovers wouldn't have happened. Maybe I would have taken more time which, ultimately might have led to us not being together. Or maybe it would have and we could have been emotionally mature and connected, but you don't know what you don't know. And just in case you think I'm putting this all on him, I'm not. My anxious attachment also contributed to how fast everything happened. I've only ever wanted to be good enough and feel loved by someone and I got that, maybe somewhat superficially, right away. I was feeling swept off my feet and was in disbelief that someone actually felt that way about me because it was something I've never been used to. Of course my anxious ass was gonna run with that.

Now, there is a difference between people showing their interest or giving genuine compliments and straight up love-bombing. People should show when they're interested. They should tell each other what they like about them or that they look good or that they enjoy each other's company. But to dive head first into a relationship with a person you truly don't know that well and are just letting yourself be overtaken by? That's not healthy. For two years I thought our beginning meant that we were perfect for each other and that we had finally found "the one" in each other and I think he thought that for a little while, too. Little did I know that my attachment style being at the forefront led me into a trap. Little did I know that he was incapable of actually committing on a serious level, no matter how much he might want a connection. No compliment, thoughtful gift, or amount of affection can change that. Only he can by reprogramming his subconscious beliefs and he has to want to (spoiler alert: he didn't want to). 

While we might not ever be able to sense or predict what could happen 100% perfectly, being able to look for some of the tell-tale signs can help us to make better decisions about our relationships. I have to be thankful for the lessons I have learned from my last relationship because now I have a whole new understanding of myself that will help me in the future. I'm more cautious about letting myself "fall" right away. I'm trying to be more patient in general about when things will happen for me. I'm accepting that some people will build slowly and take time to let something grow and that's a healthy shift for me, too. More than anything, I'm letting things be what they are and trusting that what is for me will be mine and will come to me when it's supposed to. I can't force it or try to control it. If I'm ever gonna have a successful relationship, I need to make sure to stay strong on this path that I started to go down months ago. 

At the end of the day, we all need to make sure that we're staying in our awareness of what's going on. I was never aware of almost anything other than how good (read: worthy) I felt by having that companionship. Now I'm learning to find ways that prove I am worthy to myself because self-worth is one of the most important things to have and to learn to have if you don't feel it already. Self-worth will help me to not fall for someone so quickly. It will help me make better decisions for my life. It will allow me to make decisions that aren't based in anxiety and fear. And it will help me identify and steer clear of any red flags that try to reel me in again. After all, the only flags I need in my life are the ones in my living room.