Belonging to Bills Mafia

 Hey-ey-ey-ey! Let's go Buffalo! 

If you know me, even a little bit, you can actually hear what you just read. You might have even sung it in your head. In case you don't know, this song is the theme song of the Buffalo Bills fan base. It is played every time the Bills score and when they win the game. You ever wanna see a large group of people immediately react and go nuts? Just play, what we all call it, "The Shout Song." In fact, if two Buffalonians get married and this song isn't played, it might not actually be an official wedding. 

Anyway, why am I talking about this? Well, since the Bills season ended just short of the Super Bowl, and they did FAR better than anyone expected them to, I started to think about just how intensely I felt different emotions throughout this past season. That led me to wondering why I care that much and why I put myself through some of the stress and aggravation that I do to co-run the Bills Backers Orlando group that I found six seasons ago. Naturally, I started to connect it to the core wounds that I've uncovered. Maybe it wouldn't seem like any of that would really show up in cheering for a sports team, but I think it does. 

In order to understand why I get some of the emotions or feelings I do, you first need to understand a brief history of this team. They've been around (in this form) since 1960. They went to the Super Bowl in the 1990, 1991, 1992, and 1993 seasons. While no other team has ever made it four years in a row, and that's a feat all by itself, it also means that no other team has also lost four consecutive Super Bowls. That is correct. We didn't win any of those. Not one. No one ever lets us forget it, either. Then, up until this past season, we hadn't even won a playoff game since 1995. Think about that. That's insane...in a bad way. We went from the 1999 season until the 2017 one without even making it into the playoffs at all. That's a lot of losing seasons, a lot of close but no cigar, a lot of disappointment, and a lot of heartbreak. 

And let's be real, I was way too young to remember when the Bills were good. I was too young to remember the last Super Bowl we were in. You know what I do remember? Being able to turn on the ceiling fan at my aunt's house whenever the Bills scored because it had streamers and balloons attached to it and having to go to the hospital after the game because I had a severe asthma attack. That's it. So basically I've never known any kind of winning team and that's been rough. From the time that I actually started to understand the game and wanted to watch the Bills with my dad on Sundays after church, we've been a mediocre team at best. That is, until 2017, when we finally made the playoffs again. But even then, we made it thanks to the Bengals beating the Ravens, so our fate wasn't even in our hands. And then we lost to the Jaguars in the first round. And then we didn't make the playoffs the season after. And then we made it last season and lost in the first round again, that time to the Texans. This season we finally won a playoff game. Then we won another one and suddenly we were in the AFC Championship game. It was honestly a bit surreal. 

 

                         

But then...we lost. I sobbed in the middle of my Bills Backers Bar. Legit. It honestly hurt me to know we weren't moving on to the Super Bowl. In the days that followed, I really starting to think about why I react that strongly to football, to a game. I've heard it all before:

"It's just a game." 

"Don't let it bother you." 

"It's not that serious." 

"They'll be back next year." 

To me, it feels deeper than that. To me, it's something I feel like I'm a part of and something that I feel like I belong to. There it is. A sense of belonging. One of the things I learned I always had a desire for, but felt like I couldn't accomplish often, was feeling like I belong. Maybe it's because I grew up as an only child and I didn't really know how to make friends as easily as others. Maybe it's because I liked things that other people found weird or dumb. Maybe it's because the girls in school literally didn't want me sitting in their desk group in Mrs. H's classroom. No matter what the stacked up reasons are, I just wanted to feel a sense of belonging. You know what does that? Being a sports fan. Thousands and thousands of people all liking the same team, cheering for the same team, high fiving and hugging each other when that team scores or wins? Yeah, that feels real good to a girl like me. 

Being born in Buffalo basically means being born into the Bills (and Sabres) fandom. It's hardly even a choice. The winters are harsh and there's not a whole lot to do during those months, so you watch football and hockey. You soon realize that everyone and their grandmother (literally) backs these teams. Everyone wears the gear. Everything around the city is decorated with the team's logos. Everyone is on the same page about something. So being a casual fan allows you to keep up with what's going on so you can talk about it, but being a rabid fan means you belong to the fan base. You belong to this massive group of people who all want the same thing: a championship. As a kid, I enjoyed the games. As an adult, I threw myself into learning everything I could about the game and the players. I wanted to make sure I really understood everything going on because I wanted to feel like I belong in this massive group of fans. To really belong, you have to "get it."

Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with being that hardcore into sports because obviously I am and there are so many fun things that come along with that. But there are definitely reasons to stay so obsessed, especially when your team has been so bad for so long like the Bills have been in the past. Why stick around and put so much time and energy (and sometimes money) into a team that can't get it together enough to win? Loyalty is a funny thing sometimes. Staying loyal means that sticking with the team will one day pay off. One day, we'll all be able to celebrate a championship. Staying loyal also means continuing to belong and feeling connected to others who share the same passion. Did you catch that other word? Connected. Along with wanting to belong, I also want to feel a connection to people because I didn't feel that so strongly growing up either. I can connect with others about the players on our team, our heartbreaking losses we've endured and survived, the games we've won, the promising future, or even just football in general. Belonging and connection. That's what being a rabid fan gives to me. 

Even wanting that sense of belonging and connection, I can say I do have a genuine interest in the game and especially in my team, so it's not a facade just for the sake of fitting in. I can talk Buffalo Bills all day long and it makes me happy, at least right now since we're finally a good team. I take pride in being such a mega fan, probably partially because I'm a female. Things are getting better, but the stereotype of a female sports fan still does exist. That topic can be a whole blog post all on its own. But the connection I get and the belonging I feel when I look around my Backers bar and see so many other fans who support the same team I do, being 1200 miles away from Buffalo, makes me feel fulfilled in a way I never have been in any other area of my life. 

I think that's why I take it so personally when someone makes fun of the Bills or when the media talks down about them or doubts them, even when they do seem to be doing better. This team has made me feel so much, so when someone disrespects them, I feel that, too. I want the Bills to prove everybody wrong because I want to prove everyone wrong, too. I've always wanted to, about everything. The problem is, they've hardly ever played well enough to prove people wrong, so when they have a bad game and lose, I get really upset, even during the regular season. Somehow, if they could pull it off and win a championship, I feel like they'd get some respect and prove they really are a good enough team. Oh, what's that? Good enough? Could this also have to do with my wound of not feeling good enough? 

And here you thought I was just gonna talk to you about jumping through tables and how Josh Allen is my quarterback, huh? As you should know by now, one of my biggest wounds has been not feeling good enough. Well, the Bills have also not been good enough for a while. Maybe there's a correlation there that I never realized. I dedicate so much time and energy into this team so when they're not good enough, it maybe makes me feel like I'm not good enough either since I like a team who's viewed that way most of the time. Yet, I still have an absurd amount of pride for this team because I still BILLieve in them. That's me wanting them to win so badly that they're respected and me being a part of this fan base ties me into that respect, too. My tears upon losing the AFC Championship game were probably a result of that. Having faith in this team, wanting them to win so bad to earn that respect, to feel the pure joy of my team being good enough to hoist that trophy over their heads. I want to be respected, I want to be good enough. Somehow my fandom ties into my core wounds. Who would have thought?

All of this is probably also the reason that I continue to co-run the Backers group. It gets to be so stressful and aggravating sometimes because those of us in charge butt heads occasionally. I get a little bit of anxiety when I have to book the bus and help arrange our trip to Miami to see the Bills play. I have to travel decently far to be at our location every game day, even though there's a place I could go that's closer to me. While all of that isn't always fun to deal with, I do it anyway so that I belong to this Backers group. I do it because I know there are others who probably feel like me in wanting to belong and having a place like this so far away from Buffalo makes it feel like a small piece of home, where we all belong. It creates a fun atmosphere where we forget that we live in Central Florida for a few hours and feel like we're in Western New York instead. And when I found this group in 2015, it was right after one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, so finding a place where I belong meant even more back then. I'm sure it means the same for some others that show up, now. 

Is all of this worth the emotional mood swings, the tears, the frustrations, and the disappointments? Yes. Absolutely yes. I feel everything so deeply and while that sucks for the lows, it's so exciting and feels so exhilarating during those highs. Maybe it isn't always logical to most how or why I am so intensely into it all, but some things just aren't logical. Are my core wounds woven into the reasons for my fandom? Sure. It's an interesting thing to think about. And someday, most likely soon, there will be a season that ends with the highest high I'll probably ever know as a sports fan and then I won't have to worry about the Bills being good enough or being respected because that will prove it. All the heartbreak, all of the tears, all of the times defending my team will be 100% worth it and I can't wait!

(*The* moment we won our first playoff game in 25 years)