Enough is Enough

Wow. What a difference a year makes. No, really. I don't mean that as a cliché. I'm serious. It's been one year since my last relationship ended and for anyone who knows me, you know what a different spot I'm in. If you don't know me well (or at all), allow me to bring you up to speed. 

One year ago, I was blind-sided by the man that I, at the time, thought I was gonna marry. I thought we had a solid, healthy, happy relationship. And at times we did, which is why I was so completely devastated when he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was distraught. Completely broken. Why wasn't I enough for him to work through what he was feeling? I cried harder and more intensely than I ever have about anything my whole entire life. While I was in the thick of it, I was sure that there was no chance I would ever find anyone again or ever have a good relationship again. Spoiler alert: I was dead wrong...but we'll get there.

So what did I do? I started therapy. If there is anything I can thank my ex for, it's for breaking my heart, which forced me to finally figure out my own shit. No matter who you are or what you do, we ALL have our own shit. There's no two ways around that, but everyone has a choice whether they want to uncover theirs, dive in, and learn about it, to ultimately become a healthier and better version of themselves. That's exactly what I did. It took a while to shift my focus from trying to fix and salvage the relationship to looking at the only thing I can control (me, it's me), but once that shift happened, I started to change and began to heal all the subconscious issues and trauma that had been dictating my life to that point. 

Therapy also helped me realize that this relationship I had, the one that I thought was my be-all-end-all, wasn't actually all that great for me. If I'm being fair and honest, I have to say that he was never a bad guy. We had some good times together, we did get along, we rarely fought. But looking back on it all now, I was giving up way more of myself than I ever realized for the sake of trying to make and keep him happy. By doing or not doing what I thought he would want or like, I was subconsciously trying to prove that I was enough. I dulled myself so I wouldn't be "too much" for him. I liked being with him because knowing you have someone is better than being alone. But I didn't know how to be alone with myself. I didn't know I was sacrificing who I am and even who I've wanted to be just to hold onto him. 

It's pretty jarring when you start to make such major realizations about yourself, but that's what happens when you learn to have awareness. If I could point to the biggest thing that has changed everything for me, it's having the awareness of my thoughts, my actions, my patterns, literally everything. I'm talking about recognizing something about yourself that hasn't served you well and truly learning about why. Why do you never say no to anyone? Why do you always apologize for literally everything? Why do you stay in friendships, relationships, or any situation when you know it's not the best thing for you? Why is it so hard for you to be alone with yourself? When you start truly diving into the real stuff, then you can start to figure out the things that have been driving your thoughts and behaviors and begin to work on healing those things. 

With this newfound awareness, I started to identify parts of myself that I needed to work on and I made some progress. At some point at the end of 2020, I finally felt like I was at a spot where I learned enough and healed enough to be able to build a relationship again, if that opportunity popped up. I swore off dating apps and I'm proud that I had enough will power to stay off of them. If I was gonna meet someone and try again, it was gonna have to be natural and organic, none of this swiping left or right business. And, right before the new year, I met someone.

At first, on the surface, it seemed fun and exciting. He was an outgoing Bills fan. What more could I want? Turns out, I want and need a lot more. Maybe I overlooked it on purpose, or maybe it was subconscious a little bit, but I was anxious around him. For what I thought about him, I was always worried about the words I was saying, the way I looked and behaved in front of him, how many other girls he was talking to. That should have all been an indication to me that this wasn't something that was good for me if it was making me react that way, but I liked the way it felt to try to connect to someone like that. After all, this was the first guy I was considering giving a chance to since the breakup. I didn't want it to be a failure. 

But in life, we have to fail sometimes. I should have listened to my gut when it was telling me that there was something that wasn't sitting right with me. Lo and behold, there was a plethora of girls he was trying to talk to on Instagram and it sure as hell seemed like he was trying to hide it and keep it on the down low. Were we anything remotely serious? No. Did we ever even talk about that? No. Did what I found bother me? Absolutely. That is enough to justify me walking away. I was uncomfortable and it spiked my anxiety and my overthinking. It doesn't matter if it made sense to bother me or not. Bottom line is that it did and I should have honored myself enough to cut things off, but I also wanted that connection. I enjoyed the time we did spend together, and it certainly helped that he was a Bills fan like me, so I kept going. Not too long after, my jealousy showed up, he was turned off by it, and that was the end. 

I was bummed, but I was also SO glad. I looked at all these girls he was trying to hook up with and you know what? They looked nothing like me. Skinny, tan, perfectly smooth skin, toned, lots of makeup, great outfits. I've never been that girl. I'm also not dumb enough to think that those pictures are all real. I know they're touched up and filtered, I know that people look different in real life than on social media. So while I found myself comparing me to them (read: not feeling good enough for him), I also asked myself if I would even want to look like them. Would I really want to do the things they do and act the way they act to get attention? Do I want to pretend? Absolutely not. I am enough for myself the way that I am, I am enough for those who love me and know the real me, and I will be enough for the person I'm supposed to build a life with. Once I shifted my thinking to that perspective, I realized that I had allowed myself to be ok with a situation that wasn't good for me. Thankfully, it also helped me move on quickly from this guy because I finally had enough self-respect to know that I will change who I am for NO ONE. You don't like me this way? Great, move along. 

And that leads me to now and how fate has a way of working things out. There was this guy that I had briefly dated back in 2017. Before too long, he pulled back and disappeared and at the time, it really hurt (though I now understand what happened). It took me way too much time to get over him compared to the time we were dating. I never really understood why, but it lingered. Then I got into my two-year long relationship and he found himself in a two-year long relationship shortly after. This past fall, he started popping up on my social media again and right before Christmas, we both ended up posting pretty much the same thing on our Instagram stories, without the other knowing. I bit the bullet, said something to him about it, and we sent a few messages back and forth. The next night, we ended up talking for four hours. For the next month and a half, we would chat here and there and around the time of the Super Bowl, it became more frequent. We finally were able to hang out just to catch up and we realized how much we had both changed and grown...and that maybe some attraction and chemistry was still there.

Now, I'm sure some of you believe in no second chances, but sometimes it makes sense. Sometimes it's worth it. As thing started to progress, I constantly checked in with myself to make sure I wasn't letting myself be overtaken by any fantasies in my head. If I was gonna try to build something AND try to build it with someone from my past, it needed to be healthy. I looked for indications of growth, openness, vulnerability, connection, and awareness and I made sure I was allowing myself to show up with all those qualities, too. Over time, I surprised myself with how much easier it was to be myself and to practice all of the things I learned over the past year. I knew that if I showed him who I am and he runs, then he's not for me and I have to respect myself enough to be ok with that. 

He didn't run. In fact, he gave me space to open up to him and to have conversations about the things I've been through, what I've learned, and where I'm at now. I, of course, gave the same to him and I know that has helped us foster a deeper connection than we ever had before. I've also noticed that the overthinking and the anxiousness that would pop up in any relationship or situationship I've found myself in has been nearly nonexistent with him. The few times I did feel it, I was able to regulate myself, which has been something new (and very important) for me. I found pieces of proof to negate what my anxious mind was trying to tell me and if I really needed to, I've been able to tell him where I'm at in my head and he supports me through it with understanding and reassurance. Oh, and we also have a lot of fun together, which is super important. 

The moral of my story is, a lot can happen in a year and if you choose to take a heart-wrenching situation and grow from it, you'll start to see so many positive shifts in your life. We won't ever be able to predict the future, but we can better prepare ourselves for it and that's exactly what the breakup a year ago pushed me to do. It allowed me to learn enough about myself to know that I am good enough for me and being enough for myself IS enough. Period. My worthiness doesn't lie in anyone else, and if it feels like it does, then that's not someone who belongs in my life. Knowing and believing I'm good enough exactly the way I am right now will attract the right people into my life. Me being enough for me means I'll be enough for those who deserve a place in my life, simply by being who I am and not having to change anything. That will be enough for them, just like they're enough for me exactly the way they are. Being good enough for yourself is enough and I finally learned that over this past year.

Enough is enough. Accept that, believe that, and don't ever let anyone make you feel any different.