I'm Toxic, You're Slipping Under

Ok so maybe I don't have anyone slipping under, but I couldn't pass up the chance to rearrange a Britney lyric from one of her best songs! 

Anyway, yes. I'm toxic, but definitely not in that sexy stewardess Britney way. Before you all rise up in unison to tell me you don't think that I am like that at all, let me reassure you, I certainly have been. Everything about this journey has been about me being open and honest and I made a promise to myself to dive into topics that might be a little uncomfortable or expose some of the not so nice inner-workings of myself. If I'm gonna really do this, and try to show everyone that we all have more going on inside than we'd like to admit, then I can't exclude this part of it. Of course, you know that I'm also gonna explain it in terms of core wounds and what actually drives that toxicity, because when we have toxic traits, it means we have parts of ourselves we don't like or don't feel fulfilled. 

So guess what? I've been a bitch and I've been an asshole (and not just at sporting events). Whaaaaat? No way! Surprise. There are times I certainly haven't been nice, but you might not know that because it was rare that I would show that openly and outwardly. That's right, I have talked so much shit about people in the past to other people who also enjoyed doing the same thing. I'm not even remotely proud of this. It's not something that makes me feel good, although I thought it might in all those moments. I figured if I can make myself look better than this person by talking about something we might find weird, stupid, gross, or different, then maybe I'll feel better, too. As I'm sure you could guess, that's not at all the case. And, as is the theme of everything I've learned, trying to look and feel better about yourself at the expense of someone else is something we tend to do subconsciously. 

I suppose in those moments, I was trying to grab onto some kind of self-esteem that I was clearly lacking. If I talk about how weird they are for liking this or how ridiculous they look for wearing that, I'll feel better about the things that I like or what I wear, right? Wrong, obviously. Deep down, my wound of never feeling good enough was pushing me to try to prove that I am good enough by making it seem like I'm better than someone else for any number of reasons, none of which are accurate. I'm not sure why, but it took me a while to get to a point where I realized that someone can act a certain way, look a certain way, or like certain things and I don't have to bash them for it just because it's not something that I like or understand. We can't and shouldn't all be the same, anyway. 

In looking back to when this started, I remember partaking in making fun of some of my classmates dating back to kindergarten. Yes, I was doing this at age five and it continued on throughout the years. Sure, you can say that kids can be mean and don't understand, and honestly I don't think any of us understood what that can do to someone, but I sure as hell understand it now. The craziest part of that to me was that I was being made fun of by some of these classmates who I would make fun of others with. Basically, everyone was talking shit about everyone and that tells me that we all were looking for something; acceptance, inclusion, popularity, self-worth. What makes me sad now, besides how mean I was, is that this is something that we all starting doing at such a young age. How were we all already longing for so much? And another thing to think about in all this is I went to a Christian school from Pre-K through eighth grade, so even though I'd like to sit here and tell you that being in that environment meant we were all sweet, loving, understanding children (or teachers *ahem*), we weren't. "Love thy neighbor..." yet there we all were being mean to each other. Looks like we already didn't know how to "...love thyself" because if we did, we wouldn't have been so mean to each other.

Another thing I realized about this is that I also probably acted this way because I used to always feel people doing that to me, so I did it too to make myself [try to] feel better. I've been talked down to, ridiculed, or made fun of for my love of the Bills, the Sabres, being from Buffalo in general, the Backstreet Boys, John Mayer, How I Met Your Mother, having an Android instead of and iPhone, among other things. I've also been judged because of my hair, my body, my body hair, my scars, my voice, my potty mouth, not wearing a lot of makeup, wearing eyeliner, what I wear in general, and so so many other reasons, some of which are out of my control. And honestly, I have focused way too hard on trying to change or control some of those things that people have made me feel bad about. Sitting here knowing how I've felt "less than" for all of the above things makes me reflect on how I've contributed to either making people feel the same way or saying things that would make them feel that if they knew what I've said. Truly, it makes me feel awful, especially when I consider that we all deal with things that others may not understand. Do I understand everyone I interact with or do I like everything they like or do? Of course not, but I can at least try to have some grace and understanding for them as a human being. We could all be better at that. 

So we all understand that putting others down or being around that kind of behavior is very toxic, but what about all the other stuff? I was certainly surprised to find out that some of the following traits that I have are also considered toxic:

• Being Overly Competitive: "You are more likely to fall under the spell of perfectionism and then struggle to function when you encounter failure."
• Jealousy: "You believe your enjoyment or possession of something is coming under threat from a third party. You resent someone else from gaining what you already have and this can manifest itself in spiteful attempts to deny them access."
• Attention Seeking: " If you allow the praise and amusement of onlookers to form the basis of your self-worth, you will never be able to enjoy the times when such attention is not forthcoming."
• People Pleasing: "When you put the needs and desires of others ahead of your own without a good reason, you act from a place of personal insecurity. This behavior can lead to people taking advantage of you and to you feeling resentful when you don’t receive the thanks and approval you are looking for."

(All the above quotes came from this article. There are plenty more toxic traits listed out if you are so inclined.)

I have heard that people pleasing and perfectionism and all of the above things are dangerous and aren't always positive, but I don't think I ever stopped to try and understand why. Even up until recently I wouldn't have been able to tell you what was so bad about it all, but it is certainly becoming clear as I learn more about myself and my actions. I want to do things perfectly so I'll be accepted because I feel like if I fail or I'm sloppy or make a mistake, I'll be exposed and you won't like me or you'll make fun of me. I'll do things for you regardless of what I need or want for myself so you'll like me and think I'm a good person, but really I'm just trying to convince you to not see me as the bad person I see myself as. I want your attention so I feel like I'm worth a damn, but I'll still feel so alone and forgotten the second it stops and wonder why I'm not as good as everyone else. And jealousy? What a strong emotion that has pushed me to never be thankful for the great things I already have. I'm wasting time and not enjoying these things since I'm too busy resenting everyone else because no matter what I have or what I do, I play the comparison game and whatever is on my side just isn't enough.

I knew those things weren't super great, but I never understood how toxic it all is. This is how I've lived my 32 years of life. My actions were laced with toxicity and it spilled into friendships and relationships, ruining so many along the way. And, as is the ongoing issue with me, it all leads back to me not feeling like I'm good enough. Maybe if I act perfect, or have all the attention, or do everything for everyone, or partake in making fun of someone to fit in, I'll be good enough to those that I'm around. I just want to be accepted! I need to feel like I belong. But you know what? Being aware of these things, especially putting others down, has brought me a sense of regret and disgust for how I've been to this point. 

On the other side of that though, I now feel a little more positive and secure because I have decided to change. I've made a choice to begin to try to let go of these toxic traits and behaviors and that can only lead to a better version of myself and the ability to show up better in friendships and relationships. I don't need to put down others to feel good about myself, especially because all it does is two bad things; hurts other people and still leaves me feeling bad about myself. I don't need to be perfect all the time because those who love me will accept me, mistakes and all. I don't have to do everything for everyone because I have to do some things for me and the people who matter will understand and accept that. I have to stop being jealous so that I focus on enjoying and appreciating what I have. I want to get rid of all this toxicity I've been holding on to and just be better. 

So I'm gonna end this post this way. If you have ever felt judged by me, if I ever made fun of you, if anything I did made you feel like you were "less than" or unworthy of anything, if I ever came across shitty, I'm sorry. I am finally aware of the impact my actions could have had and I'm sorry for contributing to anything negative. I hope that you can understand that it wasn't me trying to be mean or cruel, but rather me just trying to do what I thought I should to help myself feel something I was lacking. The fact that you could have been a victim of my own issues and wounds was never your fault and I hope you realize that now. By no means am I excusing that behavior, but I'm trying to own it from a place of having not understood what the behavior was rooted in. It was never about you not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, interesting enough, or popular enough, it was about me not feeling that way. I hope you can forgive me.

Let's give each other some grace and understanding. Let's try to remember that when someone makes fun of you or makes you feel bad about yourself, it's actually just a reflection of their own issues and wounds that they've never taken the time to understand or heal. No matter what, you are worthy, you are amazing, you are loved, and you are good enough. Don't ever let anyone make you feel any different. I sure as hell won't anymore.