I'm Not Good Enough (and I'm Glad)

You're probably asking yourself why in the world I'd be glad about not being good enough. Before you shake your head and stop reading, let's back up, first. 

Coming off my last post, I had just made realizations about the breakup, what attachment theory is, and how it showed itself in what I was going through. Naturally, the first thoughts I had after learning everything were along the lines of how I could use this new knowledge to fix everything. That's what I do, I have to fix things. You know what that is? Control. If I can fix it, that means I can control it. Surprise! Anxious people need to feel like they're in control. Story of my life. 

At that point, I knew that my anxious attachment style didn't just happen or come out of nowhere. There were patterns that existed. I had acted like this before. But why? What could be causing me to be clingy and needy? Why do I need so much reassurance and validation all the time from everyone? I had to start figuring out where this was all coming from and what I was so afraid of because let's face it, anxiety and fear go hand in hand. 

I had thrown myself into watching so many YouTube videos on attachment styles because I wanted to know everything. At first, I was watching all the videos about how the anxious and the avoidant can fix things, how the anxious and the avoidant act in relationships, basically anything that had to do with further figuring out this dynamic I had been in and listening for any clues or instructions that would guide me in getting the relationship back. I'm not really sure when I made the realization, but at some point, probably with the help of my therapist, I learned that I wasn't focusing on the right thing. I was looking for a relationship fix when I should have looking at fixing myself first. You know why? Because all I can control is myself (and yes, that also makes me anxious). So I started watching some videos that only focused on the anxious attachment and the qualities and habits associated. You know what belief kept coming up as a root cause of everything? I'll wait...

Oh wow, you guessed it! One of my biggest core wounds is that I'm not good enough. Now, for those of you who know me in real life, you might be shocked to learn that I always feel this way. I do a pretty good job of keeping it below the surface, or at least I think I do. I can come across very confident, I on occasion have been told I'm intimidating when someone first meets me, I can be the center of attention and seem like I'm having the best time in the world. But you know what? Those are all defense mechanisms to cover up that I don't feel good enough. Feeling that frequently enough, it has become a part of my subconscious, repressed brain and a lot of my actions end up being a bid for acceptance and inclusion to superficially feel good enough. Because it's not authentic, it never satisfies the need to feel good enough. This is where the anxiousness and neediness comes in to play. I'm trying to make sure that I'm worthy enough to be someone's friend, that I'm good enough for a partner to love me, that I can prove I belong. You all have to tell me what you think about me, you all have to make me feel like I'm deserving of your attention or your time. I'll pretend to be into certain things or know about whatever you're talking about so you don't shy away from me because I need to be good enough for you to want me to stick around. It's an exhausting and inauthentic life and I've done it for too long.

So where does this really come from? The answer to this, like most issues I've been learning about, is childhood. We are so impressionable and soak up so many things like a sponge. Maybe a parent wasn't around or didn't give you love or attention. Maybe you were bullied and constantly told you were bad or ugly. There's a multitude of things that can make a lasting impact on us and we all learn how to deal with not feeling good enough differently. Some of us cling to people or beg for attention to get reassurance, some of us isolate ourselves so we know we're protected from what anyone else can say or do. What a lot of people never stop to realize is that things we learn and do as a kid literally become imprinted on our brains and we carry these things with us into adulthood. We act, feel, and respond the way that we do because of those imprints. They impact us forever...or at least until you decide to dig deep, figure out what those issues are, and work to reprogram the beliefs you've held onto. That's what I've been trying to do.

Let's also talk about social media for a second. My God, what an anxious mess that has made some of us. We all know and are fully aware that most people only post the good parts of their lives and will only show everyone all the fun things they do with all the pretty people they know in the coolest places they've been. And to be fair, there's nothing wrong with wanting to share things you love and are passionate about. It's a great platform to connect with others, showcase things you care about, show love to people who deserve it, etc. But it has also been so incredibly detrimental to so many people. For years, it has ingrained "I'm not good enough" deeper and deeper into me. Why? Because I'm constantly feeling intentionally left out when friends post pictures doing things with what feels like everyone except me. I feel like there's absolutely something wrong with me when an ex, whether it was a serious relationship or not, posts a picture with a new girlfriend. I feel excluded when I'm not part of a conversation that so blatantly aligns with something I'm passionate about. Obviously, I'm just not good enough for any of that.

"But Elyse, why do you care so much? You shouldn't let that bother you. That doesn't matter." Duh. Of course I shouldn't care. Of course it shouldn't bother me. Of course I don't want it to matter. But it has for 32 years. This isn't something you just realize and say "Oh, I'm better now, I'm good enough!" It doesn't work that way. Over time, people who I thought were some of my closest friends have become strangers. Men who I genuinely thought I would spend the rest of my life with walked away from me. Co-workers have talked shit behind my back (and yes, I have before, too. I'll get into that in another post). These situations pile up over time and if you don't recognize that, it wears you down and makes everything worse. These situations also take a lot of time and understanding to emotionally undo. 

Because I have had a constant feeling of not being good enough, it throws me into overdrive thinking and feeling: I always have to be the best, I always have to win the award, I always have to be loud and be a part of the conversation, I always need you to pay attention to me, I always have to flirt and have you focus on me, I always have to do whatever I can even if it means compromising myself and who I truly am because I just want to need to feel good enough for you and for him and for her and for them. 

All this time, I never stopped to make sure that I was good enough for myself. Whoa. Light bulb moment!

I need to be good enough for myself, at all costs. I have to live with myself and spend the most time with myself. When everything else is gone, and no one else is around, I only have myself and I need to make sure that she feels strong, beautiful, empowered, happy, loved, and good enough. No matter what anyone else says and no matter what anyone else's actions might tell me, I will still be good enough to me. And honestly, why do I want to try so hard to be good enough for people who are treating me poorly? You think I'm annoying? Great. You don't wanna hang out with me? Whatever. You don't think I'm pretty? That's fine. You think you'll be better off without me? Go for it. I'll still be good enough for myself and for those who truly do love me and care about me because they know I'm still good enough, even when I'm spiraling, even when I'm sobbing over my life, even when I shut down and keep to myself for a few days.

That all sounds good, right? Of course it does and it should! But even having these realizations, I certainly still struggle with this feeling popping up and trying to convince me that I'm not good enough because again, this doesn't just go away with a snap of your fingers (unless you're Thanos). Maybe in the moments where I dance around my house or sing horribly in my car or feel proud of an accomplishment at work I like myself. And maybe in those moments I do feel good enough, but there certainly haven't been nearly enough of those moments in my life to this point. I've needed you to tell me I'm good enough, not me to tell me. But I wanna fix this and I have been working on doing just that. 

I'm starting to remind myself that even if I'm not included, it's not because I'm not good enough. Maybe there was a valid reason, maybe I wasn't thought of, maybe it's because I'm truly not liked, but regardless, it doesn't mean that I'm not good enough. If someone I loved left me, it's not because I'm not good enough. Maybe our attachment styles that oppose each other were too activated, maybe we weren't communicating, maybe he ultimately didn't know what he had (because I'm a catch, obviously), but it doesn't mean I'm not good enough. And you know what I've already started to realize? When I stay in this mindset, it's been easier to not get as upset about these things. It has shifted my perspective to "Do I really wanna be included in that anyway? Would I really be enjoying myself or only doing it to superficially feel good enough? Did I really feel connected to this person or did I just like the attention?" That shift has been huge for me.

So finally, why am I glad that I haven't felt good enough? Simple. Identifying that core wound that has been so inherently tangled into everything in my life has given me the ability to finally fix it. I would have gone on with the rest of my life, clinging, seeking attention, being inauthentic, lying, and forgetting who I am for the sake of feeling like I belong. That's no way to live. I want to make myself happy and I want to always know that I'm good enough for myself. I'm finally starting to be and I'm glad.

And in case you're wondering, you're good enough too, exactly the way you are right now in this moment...even if you're reading this in your underwear.